flarf. it makes sense that this insanely adorable girl sending shivery flower bits into me, this happy shrapnel maker would be working in the pharmacy i frequent.

oh, you have this? thats ok. oh…you have that too…wellllll…oh ok that last one is a dealbreaker.

Im going to start a tour of burrito establishments looking for the right girl, pronto.

but the hand holes will end up very much the same? see, now it makes sense.

anyway, i know im not the first or last to go into that weird big place that men go to (hardware store?) and pretend they are gandolf while holding a giant long piece of wood. im sorry to break this to you, guys who build stuff, wizards are cooler than you. you may have majored in business, but you are not a wizard. even an economical wizard can not fight a dragon. he can barely chase it. and while hardware stores do serve great purposes in fighting zombies, wizards dont need saws. wizards use magic. and i pretended i was a wizard in a hardware store. then god told me not to be stupid.

everything is fake and we are all going to die alone.

ps, please enjoy a new lazy style i created that i stole from basquiat.

ugh, seriously. i was looking at my resume earlier and its fucking awful. i should just hand out crumpled up paper that says ‘directionless twat’ to everyone. horrid.

i should just make up a completely bogus resume with impossible factoids. you know, like skilled and successful.

poor poor claude. i hope that i never have to go through what he went through; going for a ride, being left at the doctor, waking up drunk without my testicles left to stumble around with my slashynails clipped off. oh boy. had i gotten him clipped sooner i would have filmed him and put the audio of that drunken dentist kid over it. cause boy he had no idea what was going on. post testicles however, he seems just the same. minus the semen. don’t tell the women.

there’s not much worse than being woken up out of a wonderful sleep, unless you wake up out of that wonderful sleep, then see that your favorite kitten claude is sitting on the pillow next to you and is having the time of his life licking your ear. and its not just a simple lick, he really is having the time of his life, carefully dragging his soppy wet sandpaper tongue into every crevice, the curvey underparts and dark holey spots.

i probably need to clean my ears. im not good at cleaning my ears, among other things. im good at washing my hands, even tho they look dirty all the time. they are. but when i do wash them id be hard pressed (ooh cliche) to find someone who washes their hands as awesomely as i do when its hand washy time. but my ears are deep nasty wax pits. stinky sticky holes. i could see why a cat would want to dip into that honeypot like a pooh bear. please dont get stuck next time claude.

personally tho, i think it’s the cat getting back at me. he gets neutered thursday, and its his last chance for action. so maybe he’s letting me know that he knows. maybe he was hoping i would be in the middle of some dream about a space hooker spacestation or something (please let that one come back to me tonite) and somehow i would wake up and be scarred forever seeing my cat there, like he will having his manhood taken away from him. poo! im sorry claude.

when i woke up i asked him what he thought he was doing. he said “meow”, and damn i can’t blame him for being right.

i don’t know how i went through 32 (ugh) years of never getting headaches, but i did. sometimes when i was younger i would get these fits of blurriness where i would go blind for like 45 minutes, but they would go away. and my head never hurt. but for the past week my head has been hurting like fuck. right here. on the temple. yes, there is a divot in the shape of a hammer. here you go, take a shot.

i wouldn’t be surprised if it were roaches that somehow crawled in there and ate away at my decaying brain, the meaty parts inside and hollowed it out and built a community until they realized there was nothing left in there and then disaster struck and my head never had a good fema type organization in place so the roaches were left sitting on watery brain parts with signs and then they were like fuck it and crawled out my earhole.

it probably wouldn’t be candy cause that would be in my belly and teethholes.

my brain escaping would make sense, since its probably my head rejecting it.

words. hah.

im pretty sure its from looking at a computer screen for too long! hah god’s sweet comedy. im going to go blind.

watched the wrestler today instead of watching the uberbowl (am i not allowed to say superbowl also?) (oops). man was that amazing. its one of those things that makes you turn inward and think about what you do and how you relate and so on and so on. or maybe im just that self absorbed and just think about how everything relates to me. wow what an asshole i am. see there i did it again. i should be writing about how great the movie is but i turned it back onto me watching it. ugh. it was neat seeing people ive worked with before tho. strange. fuck there i go again. douchebag.

i’ll make this one quick because i want to play fable 2. but really, i’m going to make some sort of shock hat/penis-head papercut machine to make it so i stop thinking about what i want to do during the day, and start actually doing what i want to do during the day. im not completely sure i actually drew, colored and posted this comic. im probably just still in bed thinking about it. god fucking damnit i wish the matrix was real cause then i could be asleep in one of those asshole pods while techno-organic poorly designed caretakers could buzz about harvesting boring lives and then id show them my dreams and id be like back off motherfuckers, im certainly hardcore, and you got no idea how badass i am cause when i wake up im just gonna think about all this shit im gonna do and not even do it - showing them i have one up on them and they’d have to let me out, and as i stepped out and opened my eyes from this dream world ive been in, my cock better be bigger and my teeth better be fixed and i hope they fucking washed me cause thatd be like years of pod stink. then id go to a rave.

anyway when i wake up tell me to make this comic, and then tell me to write something better than a blog with a ten year old crappy movie reference, or at least reference something good like the invisibles.

my hair, with all modesty humbleness and mild overhurbrisity, is awesome. it is a living creature that probably lived in my mother’s vagina and connected to my soft little lightly boiled egg-head before i plopped out of her womb, and symbiotically lived with me, sort of like a tusslable venom or something. blond, soft, shiny, lovely, it does what it wants, assuming any style and always looking awesome, ending in the emulation from many a bar drinking italian. so naturally i shaved it off for some reason. really, i had no reason for it, i just decided to do it. if someone finds me behind their bushes or naked in a convertable throwing invisible rats out the window, please don’t call the cops.

to counter the lack of hair on top, i figured i should rock the beard, which i usually do in the winter anyway. and i grew it out all giant like and also had started to grow the stache into a handlebar stylee. awesome. much like the top hair, the new combo garnered all sorts of kudoes from the hair loving community and people that i pass by that don’t want me to murder them. so naturally i shaved it off after hearing too many compliments. this is why i take pills.

excuse me (hah!) while this shit is all black and white while i either search for a new colorist or figure out how to do it myself. if this is actually not in black and white, what the hell am i talking about? i must have had too much xanax and then smelled my unwashed boxers. what an asshole.

anyway, yes that moustache is real and yes its horrible. i was shaving my beard off like i normally do once i get bored with it and when i saw this awful pederist (is that the right word?) stache, i had to keep it. it was a hit, making everyone around me uncomfortable. too creepy for porn, too creepy for porno cop. it will not last long, but in the time it spends in this world it will only be meaningful, bringing joy and awkwardness before it drops to the sink like the first snowfall of the year, then washed away like the first crap of the day; both to be replaced over and over.

yes, my mom really did think a mouse was an eel. No, claude did not really want mouse tea, tho it does sound yummy.